Islamic Psychology: the essentials

Islamic psychology is an advanced operative science in the procession of Islamic sciences. Specifically, it is a discipline within Islamic medicine. It aims to rehabilitate man, woman, and the couple according to the modalities described by God Himself in His Holy Book: the Quran. It informs us about the way God created the masculine and feminine typologies, and thus reveals to us the "soulouk", i.e. the behaviour and attitudes that men and women must embrace on a daily basis in order to develop an art of living in coherence with their primary nature, which calls them to wisdom and balance. This first nature sheds light on the origin of the difficulties experienced by each of us and defines with precision an individual and collective work that each of us will be able to appreciate in view of our personality and temperament. In this sense, Islamic psychology aims at the fulfilment of each person, it does not aim to unify individuals nor to dissolve identities, but on the contrary, it provides a fertile ground from which the richness of differences can germinate.

Because a degenerate identity of man or woman cannot produce a healthy couple, nor a lasting couple, nor a balanced couple, Islamic psychology goes back to the primary nature of man and woman to draw from it, in their complementarity, the alliance that is marriage and conjugal love, and defines a protocol to be followed to preserve them from the embarrassments of everyday life.

Finally, Islamic psychology is open to everyone, without distinction of faith or confession.

 

Introduction

In Islam, the question of man, woman and home is central. On their shoulders rests the adamite responsibility, that is to say, the task of bringing balance and harmony to the rest of creation. In order to do this, men and women must work on a healthy, balanced and respectful way of life, honouring God's Truth in all aspects of their lives. If they place themselves against the Truth, the impact of their decisions will reason in creation, leading to a process of progressive degradation and alteration of consciousness in humans. Thus, the modern world is like the image of man, woman and home: dilapidated and bruised. And the urgency of the situation invites us today, more than ever, to use all possible means to mitigate this downfall before it becomes irreversible.

The 4th pillar of Religion, as-Sa3ah "The Hour", also tells us that the destruction of the world passes through the destruction of the family base and human spiritual awareness, making man, woman and home the cornerstone of any real and lasting rehabilitation process.

Psychology from Islamic medicine is a traditional science aimed at the rehabilitation of men and women. It clearly and precisely defines extremely precise modalities for the positive realisation of man, woman and couple. It sheds light on what we have to do to live better and improve our daily lives. Indeed, God's expectations of men and women form a positive programme that leads to the success of individuals, couples, nations and civilisations, since God only wants the good of his creatures. Whatever reputation we may have today for Islam, or for God himself for that matter, we are here in a positive perspective of restoring the positive aims of Tradition.

 

Traditional science and modern science

The psychology derived from Islamic medicine is different from modern psychology both in substance and form, so it is not relevant to try to compare them too much. The essential point is that Islamic psychology is a science that is accessible, clear and responds to the need for certainty of individuals, whereas modern psychology, with all its ramifications, places individuals face to face with their own contradictions.

The traditional sciences form a coherent whole which plunges the individual and the collective into the heart of the doctrine. Under no circumstances can a traditional science contradict the rest of Islamic software, but it enriches its understanding by deepening some of its aspects. Thus, Islamic psychology brings an additional enlightenment on the question of men and women, and provides relevant tools to respond to the problems of the time.

 

Concerning the vocabulary used

Elementary
The word « elementary » expresses the primary, fundamental and indispensable character of the method used to define the object, discipline or tools of the discipline concerned. This definition finds its source in Tradition, and more precisely in the two fundamental processes through which humanity has had access to erudition: Prophecy and Revelation, both vectors of social cohesion and scientific projections.

Perfection
Perfection is an attribute of God that belongs only to Him, alone, praise be to Him. When we speak of a "perfect man" or a "perfect woman", we are talking about an ideal which men and women must come closer to if they wish to free themselves from difficulties, and if they wish to fulfil themselves, to regain their balance and well-being.

Qualities and Soulouk
Islam determines 29 fundamental qualities that men and women must work on in order to develop a respectful and responsible way of life. These are essential conditions for establishing their own well-being, their own equilibrium and the well-being of other creatures who are impacted by their decisions. Elementary psychology is particularly interested in the specific qualities of men and women in the context of the couple, and provides simple solutions to everyday concerns, in both the individual and collective spheres. Indeed, the absence of a quality causes a manifest imbalance in the different aspects of the individual's life and engenders the difficulties visible today in all our societies, whereas the presence of these natural qualities brings balance, stability and comfort.

Identifying the presence or absence of these qualities in an individual makes it possible to establish a precise diagnosis and to extract a roadmap. The role of elementary psychology will be to shed light on the individual's situation and on the origin of possible imbalances so that he can acquire the lucidity necessary to understand what he is, and build his personality on a healthy basis.

 

Psychotherapy

Men and women have been created different and complementary. An alteration of consciousness and a loss of reference points, due in particular to the attacks produced today by modern society against the identity of men and women, have made these differences and the richness they represent disappear from their radars. This alteration leads to various behavioural disorders and causes suffering and distress for the vast majority of today's men and women.

Indeed, men and women are broken. They are looking for a way to rebuild themselves, through travel, television series or other distractions. They try to fill this inner emptiness with what they find, without success. And for good reason, the crisis they are going through is not material but spiritual. Nothing is more dangerous and nothing causes more affliction than ignoring oneself. A return to oneself is therefore necessary in order to understand what has been left behind.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Pourquoi faut-il sauver les hommes et les femmes ?

 

Know the other and know yourself

By discovering the qualities of man and woman, each one will discover his or her primary nature, but also the primary nature of the other, who is his or her partner, son, daughter, work colleague, neighbour. The fate of society, the home and its members depends on the ability of each person to distinguish this primal nature and to act accordingly on a daily basis. A man who knows women's primary nature will learn to respect this nature and will become a support for her progress. And vice versa. For a professional, understanding and identifying these primary characteristics makes it possible to make a clear deciphering and precise diagnosis of the state of any individual and to propose immediate paths of progress.

God says :

« […] الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ »
« Men are in charge of women […] ».
The Qur'an Sura 4 verse 34

With the science of letters and lights, we can extract from the Koran the portraits of man and woman in the eyes of God Himself. Here we have two sacred words "الرِّجَالُ" and "النِّسَاءِ", each of which lists the different qualities of what the word means, namely "men" and "women". Each letter of the Holy Text, in Koranic Arabic, acts as a spotlight on a quality expected of both men and women, and this illumination allows us to establish a sure and uncontroversial explanation of what a man or a woman is. Thus the primary natures of man and woman invite them to invest 6 fundamental qualities for men and 5 fundamental qualities for women, each quality being symbolised by the letters that make up each word.

Each quality requires a little reflection and meditation to be understood. In order to facilitate this process we will illustrate each of them with examples of behaviours associated/opposed to the quality studied.

Attention: the order of the qualities is important. For example, quality n°2 of man can only be present in an individual if quality n°1 is already firmly established in his habits. In this sense, quality no. 2 is to be considered as an extension of quality no. 1.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] L'homme, la femme & le couple au regard de Dieu

 

The qualities of the perfect man in Islam

The perfect man has 6 essential qualities divided into 3 groups. The first 2 are common to both men and women and are the fundamental basis for life in society.

For the essential part of man, refer to qualities 3 and 4.

The first group of so-called fundamental qualities :

Quality 1: Accepting and obeying God's command
God created everything with Science and Wisdom. Man evolves in a universe that reflects the Laws established by his Creator. The balanced man respects nature, the natural laws and the laws of the society in which he lives so that he can enjoy his earthly life in a healthy and peaceful environment.

Opposite: man does not respect anything, neither others nor himself. He does not accept any constraint or principle.

Balance: respect | Imbalance: contempt

Quality 2: Know-how
Man must acquire knowledge and understanding in order to find his place in the midst of others, to find his place in society, and to flourish there. He must learn a trade, a language and good manners to be able to interact with others with modesty and respect. And he needs to know who he is, where he comes from and what common project he decides to share with the other members of the nation.

Opposite: man has no knowledge of who he is, what he is, or what others are. He shares no ties with any of the people around him, he is in fact entirely manipulable and modular, he is like a machine that does without knowing what it is doing or why it is doing it but because it has been asked to do so. It has no roots, no history, no reflection.

Balance: knowledge | Imbalance: ignorance

 

The second group of man's own qualities :

Quality 3: Surpassing
In his nature, man is built to cope with all life situations, difficulties as well as facilities. He must not stop at what presents itself as a blessing or as a restriction, but he must sharpen his gaze and see beyond it. He is not worried by difficulties, nor is he satisfied when he is at ease. He is stable, calm, alert and ready in all circumstances. He IS before HAVING.

Opposite: It is like a leaf carried by the wind. It boasts or rejoices in every good it obtains in excess, and is overwhelmed by every difficulty. He devotes his energy only to competing in futile things. He constantly complains, he gets depressed as quickly as he rejoices. He is unstable and irregular. He finds no satisfaction in the state he is in.

Balance: stability | Imbalance: instability

Quality 4: Patience
Man is patient by nature, he has all the necessary ingredients to keep control of himself in all circumstances. Man must be patient whatever the situation he has to face.

Opposite: impatient, capricious, violent, unstable, irregular, dissatisfied, angry, sensitive.

Balance: self-control | Imbalance: inconsistency

 

The third group of so-called advanced qualities :

These qualities are there as an indication, because the main part of the work to be done by the man is at the level of qualities 3 and 4. Qualities 5 and 6 concern men who are advanced in their development. This is a deepening of qualities 1 and 2.

Quality 5: Embodying God's order
Man incarnates the natural order established by God through the qualities found in the course of his progress. This quality crowns his progression. He lives in communïon with the rest of the universe and becomes a living reflection of the way God created things.

Quality 6: Foresight
The accomplished man invests science to build the future and to elevate the civilization in which he lives. This quality is peculiar to men and it is for this reason that all prophets were men.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Les 6 qualités de l'homme parfait - Sciences, Civilisation & Religion

 

The qualities of the perfect woman in Islam

The perfect woman has 5 essential qualities divided into 3 groups. The first 2 are common to both men and women and are the fundamental basis for life in society.

For the essential part of women, refer to qualities 3 and 4.

The first group of so-called fundamental qualities :

Quality 1: Accepting and obeying God's command
God created everything with Science and Wisdom. Woman evolves in a universe that reflects the Laws established by her Creator. The well-balanced woman respects nature, natural laws and the laws of the society in which she lives so that she can enjoy her earthly life in a healthy and peaceful environment.

Opposite: the woman does not respect anything, neither others nor herself. She does not accept any constraint or principle.

Balance: respect | Imbalance: contempt

Quality 2: Know-how
Women must acquire knowledge and understanding in order to find their place among others, to find their place in society, and to flourish in it. She must learn a trade, a language and good manners to be able to interact with others with modesty and respect. And she needs to know who she is, where she comes from and what common project she decides to share with the other members of the nation.

Opposite: the woman has no knowledge of who she is, what she is, or what others are. She does not share any bonds with any of the people around her, she is in fact entirely manipulable and modular, she is like the machine that does without knowing what she is doing or why she is doing it, but because she has been asked to do it. It has no roots, no history, no reflection.

Balance: knowledge | Imbalance: ignorance

 

The second group of women's qualities:

Quality 3: Rejoicing
God created things with righteousness and wisdom. Women are naturally radiant, comfortable and charismatic. She knows that nothing in life is there by chance, that God makes things perfectly, and that He has not forgotten anything that He has planned for her. She is serene and proud of the blessings He has always bestowed on her, and nothing can diminish her joy or her confidence.

Opposite : She is an afflicted, complex woman, she has all the faults. She is eternally dissatisfied: even if all the goods of this world were gathered together, nothing would be able to fill the emptiness she has in her heart. She is depressed and sad because of this lack. She is tense, paralysed by futile and superficial things. She is unable to assert herself, which leads to clumsy and sometimes aggressive interventions, or she is self-effacing, she accepts even the worst humiliations because she thinks it is what she deserves. The woman denigrates herself, despises what she is. She diminishes herself in her own eyes and weakens her self-esteem and the natural confidence she should have in herself. She is unable to appreciate her qualities and achievements.

Balance: self-confidence | Imbalance: self-contempt

Quality 4: Self-sacrifice
The previous quality generates positive energy in the woman, which must be channelled through self-denial, so as not to be altered and turned into poison. Self-denial invites the woman to lean her beneficial wing over her own. The devoted, humble, gentle woman radiates by her greatness of soul, by her goodness and kindness. She shines by her smile. Everyone feels good with her, her gaze soothes, even purifies. It is pure love that strikes the one who receives it. It is the refuge of the child who grows up and is confronted with the difficulties of life. It is appeasement that invites the man to put his little person aside for the benefit of his wife and his home. It is the light that makes the house a true earthly paradise.

Opposite: the woman does not like to take care of others, she considers it an ordeal. She is selfish, egocentric and haughty. She despises others or simply has no consideration for them. Taking care of her children or her husband is for her a constraint that she could do without. People fear her, prefer to avoid her and have nothing to do with her.

Balance: dedication | Imbalance: pride

 

The third group of so-called advanced qualities :

This quality is there as an indication, because the bulk of the work to be done by the woman is at the level of qualities 3 and 4. Quality 5 concerns women who are advanced in their careers. This is a deepening of quality 1.

Quality 5: Embodying God's order
The accomplished woman incarnates the natural order established by God through the qualities found in the course of her progress. This quality crowns her progression. She lives in communïon with the rest of the universe and becomes a living reflection of the way God created things.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Les 5 qualités de la femme parfaite - Sciences, Civilisation & Religion

 

Couple therapy

Today more than ever, families are suffering and breaking up. The family base is under pressure and incessant attacks from a crazy modern world that is pushing its members apart by all means, and distilling its poison by promoting a superficial and materialistic model of life, as opposed to the natural human aspirations that invite introspection of self and wisdom. The result is a spectacular increase in the number of divorces as well as a dissolution of identities marked by a loss of reference points and a lack of self-knowledge.

This alarming observation is not, however, a foregone conclusion. In order to find a lasting solution to these difficulties, and to the difficulties that our societies are going through, men and women must take back in hand the keys to their destiny and abandon this meaningless laisser-aller. There is no couple that cannot be saved as long as the spouses express the sincere intention of wanting to get out of it. And there is no such thing as an incompatible couple, only men and women who still find it difficult to understand each other.

 

Understand the difficulties of everyday life and solve them

Rooted in habits is the result of a life long journey. It is therefore not reasonable to seek to reform one's daily life overnight, but rather to cultivate inner reform over the long term.

First of all, learning these qualities by heart and learning to read the difficulties of everyday life through these qualities is already a very big step, which is more than enough. With time, it will become easy to understand the strengths and weaknesses of each spouse and to understand the gaps that need to be worked on in order to durably remedy the difficulties that arise.

With the qualities of man and woman, the spouses get to know each other and each other in the context of a work that each will have to do on himself. Each will also take care to act in such a way as to help his partner progress in the qualities that are his own (Cf. "How to accompany and support your wife" and "How to accompany and support your husband").

We will now see what work needs to be done between the spouses within the framework of marriage, in order to open the doors of true love and serenity to them.

 

The conditions for a successful marriage

God says :

« […] وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً »
« "" And this is one of His signs that He has created for you, formed of yourselves, your half that you may rest with her, and He has established between you affection and compassion. […] ».
The Qur'an Sura 4 verse 21

 

God created woman from man. That is to say, He created a soul and bound it to another within the framework of the couple and marriage. The secret of a successful marriage then depends on the spouses' willingness to cultivate two things: affection" مَوَدَّةً" and compassion" رَحْمَةً". No stable unïon is possible without these two conditions.

With affection "مَوَدَّةً" and compassion "رَحْمَةً" we are going to see what man and woman must build between them to make their home a solid, balanced and peaceful home, a true paradise on earth in the image of the one where the parents of humanity lived: Adam and Eve. Let us first return to these two notions.

 

Affection "مَوَدَّةً" is the highest form of love. It will lead spouses to devotion. Each will learn to consider the other before himself, to seek the other's happiness and balance. It is the image of a field that we cultivate together, putting all our heart into it to obtain the best fruits.

Compassion " رَحْمَةً " is an extension of affection. It will create an empathic bond between the spouses. One thing will never touch one without affecting the other. They are two but they are one. One feels everything the other is experiencing. The pain of one is the pain of the other. The joy of one is the joy of the other. Compassion is the image of the fruits of working with affection. That is why God has indicated them to us in this order.

 

With the science of letters and lights we can determine, from these two sacred words, the "soulouk", i.e. the behaviours or qualities, that spouses must adopt in order to establish affection and compassion. It is then possible to diagnose the state of a couple by analysing the presence or absence of these qualities, and thus identify their strengths and weaknesses. If the spouses who make up the couple do not have these qualities, the difficulties will be obvious.

Looking at these elements is already a remedy for those who are looking to live a life as a couple for the long term. Of course, he who knows where to look is not the same as he who does not know.

The conditions for affection

Affection is based on 4 " soulouk ", 4 qualities that each spouse must work on with his or her partner, which are the sine qua non conditions for the establishment of a healthy and balanced couple.

As a reminder, affection leads spouses to consider the other before considering themselves, to be at the service of the other, to find happiness in the happiness of the other.

Quality 1: KindnessIt
 is through kindness that spouses take the first step towards affection. It is for the spouse to do good, to be useful to the other, to be at the service of the other, to put what the other wants before what one wishes for oneself. Goodness is a fruitful good, that is to say, a good that will only generate good, like the seeds we sow to obtain beautiful flowers. Like each of the qualities we are going to see, goodness must be reciprocal and reach the point where the one who gives will receive as much as he has given.

Opposite: this is someone who is selfish, assisted, who does not consider his or her partner but only thinks of himself or herself.

Balance: devotion | Imbalance: selfishness

Quality 2: Disinterest in oneself and passions
To achieve true goodness, spouses must free themselves from ephemeral passions and extinguish unwelcome desires. It is a question of freeing themselves from the impulses of the "nafs" and the ego, in order to achieve purity of intention and nobility of soul.

Opposite: someone who is egocentric, immature, who chases after vain things, who is never satisfied with what he has, who goes from whim to whim, blinded by the desire to HAVE, forgetting the fact of BEING.

Balance: wisdom | Imbalance: immaturity

Quality 3: Purity
The aim here is to protect what we have seen previously by preventing any impurity from entering the couple's enclosure. We distinguish : - Material purity, being clean and presentable. - The purity of actions, by practising generosity, kindness, uprightness, honesty, by favouring good company. - Inner purity by cultivating transparency and sincere and disinterested love with one's partner.

Opposite : Materially dirty: neglected, filthy. Dirty in its actions: bad company, dirty money from dubious transactions, theft, infidelity and any detestable behaviour. Inwardly dirty: resentful, slanderous, malicious, perverse, secretive. All these things will get into the family cocoon as moisture seeps into the walls. Over time it creates mould and cracks.

Balance: decency | Imbalance: perversion

Quality 4: Fleeing from what is contrary
The 4th and last quality of affection crowns this progression and preserves the previous qualities by rooting in a lasting way this deep love that we have cultivated.

It is a matter of getting used to running away from anything that is contrary to the couple's well-being and protecting them from any jolt, any imbalance that could unnecessarily weaken them. Let a man flee from his wife and a woman flee from her man anything that might endanger their equilibrium. We are here as an extension of what has been said with purity. If something disturbs the woman or the man, let them depart from it. Let them stay away from stories and problems they can avoid, let them stay out of other people's business, let them not set foot where they shouldn't, let them not go where they don't belong.

Opposite: a person with problems, who is constantly looking for stories, who maintains conflicts, who takes care of other people's business, and who sets foot where she shouldn't.

Balance: aware and lucid | Imbalance: blind and unconscious

 

These 4 qualities must be adopted by both men and women. And it is in reciprocity that they will find the balance and develop true affection between them as God has defined it in His Holy Book.

Affection " مَوَدَّةً " is an invitation for each spouse to forget himself or herself for the benefit of the other, it is the door to altruism and devotion that naturally returns to the person with whom one has decided to share his or her life.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Comment réussir son mariage - Sciences, Civilisation & Religion

 

From affection to compassion

To work on affection by touching the above qualities with your fingertips is already a big step in couple therapy. This work is enough to restore balance and peace in the home. Compassion is an advanced state of the couple which will be of interest to those who already enjoy the stability brought by affection.

 

The conditions for compassion

Compassion is based on 4 " soulouk ", 4 qualities that each spouse must work with his or her partner in order to sublimate the bond that unites them.

As a reminder, while affection led the spouses to devotion, compassion makes them one.

Quality 1: Surpassing / Don't stop at what appears This is the
 same quality as quality 3 of man, but it expresses a different nuance. Whatever state the couple is in at instant T, they must look further, surpass themselves in their relationship with the material, and surpass what manifests itself in the moment. Life is made up of ups and downs, of easy moments and difficult moments. But everything is ephemeral, we must not stop at what can disappear or change at any moment. No one is tested beyond what they can bear.

Opposite: materialistic, plaintive, unstable, capricious.

Balance: stability | Imbalance: instability

Quality 2: Mercy / Sharing the suffering of the
 otherMercy and compassion will develop and polish the empathic bond between the spouses. If one is tired, the other will be saddened and will do his or her best to help. If one is healthy, the other will rejoice as if it were his own health. This mercy comes through words, a look, an attention, and finds its origin in the heart. Mercy is therefore that movement of the heart which gives life to our smiles, our looks, our words, our deeds, and which touches the other.

Opposite: being unable to put oneself in the other's place, to feel an emotion, to be moved.

Balance: empathy | Imbalance: apathy

Quality 3: Deep kindness
Our internal senses have been honed, we have cultivated good behaviour and our ephemeral and unwelcome passions have been extinguished. Goodness has led us to mercy and mercy leads us again to goodness, which will now be accompanied by all the journey we have made in arriving here. The couple is united, the concern of one is the concern of the other, the need of one is the need of the other. One understands goodness differently now that he has worked on this bond with the other, this bond that God speaks of in the verse of earlier, which binds one soul to another.

Opposite: a selfish person who thinks about himself or herself and does not consider his or her partner.

Balance: altruism | Imbalance: selfishness

Quality 4: Fleeing from what is contrary
This last quality concludes this progression, and sets up like a fence that delimits and protects this field and the fruit that has been so carefully cultivated and grown. It is a question of fleeing from what is contrary to the balance of the couple in its subtleties.

Opposite: a careless person who does not understand the issues and takes unnecessary risks.

Balance: clear-sightedness | Imbalance: neglect

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Comment réussir son mariage - Sciences, Civilisation & Religion

 

Saving a marriage in peril

Affection and compassion are the two essential conditions for a happy couple.

Sometimes the state of a couple requires the use of an intermediate method when they are in a critical phase. In order to do this, spouses will have to work on the qualities of affection in reverse, because the first quality "kindness" is for the moment out of reach.

Quality 1: Fleeing from what is contrary
If a couple's situation is critical, the spouses must start by running away from anything that is contrary to the couple's equilibrium. They should eliminate everything around them that disturbs the couple's proper functioning and unnecessarily weakens it. That they dislodge all bad habits, bad company, bad actions, bad behaviour. If their daily activities are unwelcome and disrupt their partner, they will never be able to save their couple without getting away from these dubious activities.

Your partner is an indicator for you, helping you to identify what you are doing and what you should not do. Listen to him, be attentive. This is about your relationship and your life.

With this first quality, men and women finally take responsibility by sacrificing things that are useless and unhealthy but which they have become attached to over time, to finally turn to the person they love. This is the initial and indispensable impulse to get out of this situation of decay that can no longer last.

If the spouses are not ready to make this first gesture, no one will do it for them. Let them remember why they are married, let them also remember that they are now adults, that as adults they can no longer behave like children, that the time for whims is now long gone and that they have to make a choice: to want to get out of it or to let the situation deteriorate. Because if they don't do anything, it will definitely get worse. A life of neglect and carelessness is comfortable on the surface, but these are only appearances because it brings nothing but difficulties, problems, instability, and above all it blocks the way to any possibility of happiness.

Quality 2: Purity
The second quality is purity. The previous quality leads us to flee from anything that might corrupt the balance of the couple and leads us naturally to purity, purity within the couple and between the spouses. Acquiring this quality will prevent any impurity from entering the couple's enclosure and will protect it from decay. It is therefore a supporting quality, which will support the previous quality.

Quality 3: Disinterest in yourself and passions
Weakening one's "nafs" will lead to disinterest in oneself and in vain things, and will lead us to purity of intention. It is a matter of being at the service of the other without ulterior motive, in a totally disinterested way. No longer wishing the other for something other than what he or she already is. Get rid of what you thought was so important and which prevents you from paying attention to your partner.

Quality 4: Kindness
Kindness which is a fruitful good. That is to say, a good that will only generate good.

With the 3 previous qualities, the door of goodness which was out of reach is now open to us and we will be able to cross it and put down lasting roots between our spouses.

If the previous quality invited us to abandon our desires and impulses, kindness invites us to devote ourselves to the other, to make the most of this free time for the other, to do good. Be useful to the other, to the service of the other, and put what the other wants before what you want for yourself.

This quality crowns our progress and the couple is now out of danger.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Comment SAUVER son mariage - Sciences, Civilisation & Religion

 

Cohabitation, rest and tranquillity

God says :

 « […] وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً »
« And this is one of His signs that He has created for you, formed of yourselves, your half that you may rest with her, and He has established between you affection and compassion. […] ».
The Qur'an Sura 4 verse 21

 

God specifies in the previous verse that man and woman were created complementary, one will find in the other something he does not have, something he lacks. And together, by the addition of their primary characteristics they form a whole, inseparable, inseparable.

In fact, each one recovers from the other what is rightfully his. By the sacred contract that they have established in the name of God, within the framework of marriage, a man has the right to demand from his wife that she be a woman, a woman has the right to demand from her man that he be a man. Of course, a child has the right to ask his father to be a real father, and his mother to be a real mother.

This complementarity opens the doors to cohabitation, rest and tranquillity for the spouses. In other words, the ideal couple is no longer crushed by the weight of their responsibilities, nor by the weight of the difficulties, nor by the compromises that result from cohabitation, but finds things light and simple. Life together is a vector of emancipation and comfort.

The rest in the cohabitation " لِتَسْكُوا " is built through 7 qualities that are :

Quality 1: Know-how
Man and woman progressed in their respective qualities (cf. "The qualities of the perfect man in Islam" and "The qualities of the perfect woman in Islam"), then they worked on affection and compassion (cf. "The conditions of affection" and "The conditions of compassion"). They got to know their own nature and the nature of what unites them. They discovered how God has shaped them, what He has prescribed as a path to their fulfilment through the couple.

They have in their hands all the science to make each of them a true man and a true woman, and to make their unïon strong and indestructible. It is the meaning of this first quality that brings us back to all that has been said above.

Quality 2: Perfection of the senses
The science acquired with the previous quality and the application of this science, will have an impact on the man's body and on the woman's body, which will become more lucid. Certain things that they did not see will gradually become clearer in their eyes and certain things that they did not hear will gradually resound in their ears. And their hearts, perhaps insensitive to certain aspects of reality, will gradually open up to what they didn't know about life. Men and women must work on their senses to develop this dormant spiritual awareness. They will see that their daily lives call for a permanent effort of vigilance, that they are expected or solicited regularly and that it is their duty to act accordingly.

Quality 3: Self-sacrifice
Spiritual awareness opens the doors to lucidity: man and woman see and hear. They understand how things revolve around them, they know in which way they should spend their energy and time. They are able to make a distinction between things and they will develop the art of being at the service of what is useful.

Quality 4: Knowledge of God
Self-denial and servitude broaden their lucidity a little more about what the world is, about creation, how it works, what are its laws and rules. Little by little they discover the art with which God has made things. Each step they take opens them up a little more to the reality of what God is, the infinitely powerful, the Wise, the Wise, the Knowing, the Benevolent, the Merciful, the Clement, the Generous.

By discovering God, they also discover the reality of what they are: creatures, weak, fragile and limited, and this knowledge becomes like a grid for reading about the world and life that allows them to glimpse their possibilities and limits.

Quality 5: Rejoicing
He who knows God finds rejoicing in what God has done, he glimpses with what wisdom God has created things, and this insight brings him joy and satisfaction in his daily life. He is therefore no longer subject to dismay, panic, depression or discouragement. He knows that God has provided him with everything he needs to live his life on earth, so he rejoices in what is simple and easy. He sees the pitfalls of consumerism and consumer society. He prefers inner wealth and everything that develops this inner wealth to material wealth. He lives what is called "shoukr", i.e. thanking God for His benevolence of every moment.

Quality 6: Disinterest in self and passions
This quality already present in affection invites spouses to show restraint and humility in their daily tasks. Certainly they have learned to know God, they have learned to understand where they were expected and where they had to be vigilant, but in the end, they will learn to fade away in this rejoicing so that each of their actions and gestures will not be a reflection of themselves, but will be a reflection of God, an act of God.

Quality 7: Accepting and obeying God's command
Men and women have progressed and have recovered their primary characteristics, and the first quality of this path is also the last one

God tells us that what we do, we do for ourselves. Certainly God has prescribed rules for us, not for Him but for our own well-being. Prayer, for example, is a blessing from God for mankind, He does not need our prayers, praise be to Him. Likewise, good food, kindness and goodness are God's blessings to His creatures. The fact of mankind has no impact on Him, who is the Mighty One, the Wise One. If all mankind did good it would add nothing to God, and if all mankind did evil it would take nothing away from God. God tells us to follow His path for our own well-being, specifying that if we follow His prescriptions, we will understand at the end of our progress that everything stems from His Order and the whole of nature is the expression of His Wisdom and Science.

This is why the first quality of the journey of men and women is also the last, it comes to crown this progression because everything they have accepted with open arms derives from His Order.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Les 7 qualités du couple parfait

 

How to accompany and support your wife

The man must get to know his typology and the typology of his wife. To do so, he must learn by heart the qualities of these two different and complementary natures. The man will know where he is expected first in the relationship he has with his wife, he will have to be careful and vigilant so as not to make any deviations and remain focused on this aspect of himself which he must learn to master. He must also develop the art of acting correctly and ask himself: do my actions have a positive or negative impact on my wife's fulfilment?

In order to do so, men can practice reading their daily life through the 2 central qualities of women, and make every effort to participate in their development.

Rejoicing is a woman's first central quality. A man must measure the significance of his words and deeds, and see whether they will be a source of comfort for his wife, or a source of tension. Self-confidence is a fundamental aspect of the feminine typology, and everything that will contribute to its development is welcome, while everything that will hinder it is to be banished. If a man weakens his wife's self-esteem, he will have failed in his duty as a husband.

Self-sacrifice is the second central quality of women. Women have a natural talent for taking care of their own. The man must learn to respect this aspect of his typology by valuing it and leaving his wife sufficient space to express herself.

 

How to accompany and support your husband

The woman has to get to know her typology and the typology of her husband. To do this, she must learn by heart the qualities of these two different and complementary natures. The woman is an irreplaceable pillar of the balance and well-being of the members of her household. She must make a daily effort of vigilance to develop her good heart and shine on hers by the natural confidence she must have in herself.

For this, the woman can learn to recognise what helps her husband to develop the 2 central qualities of a man and become a support for stability and progress for him.

Surpassing is the first central quality of man. The woman must support her husband by keeping his eyes and heart away from any attachment to the ephemeral, in order to polish his character and preserve him from arrogance. She must not test him overly on what is futile and help him to appreciate a simple and selfless way of life.

Patience is man's second central quality. A well-informed woman will be careful not to push her husband beyond his limits. She will preserve his integrity and will invite him to keep control of himself in all circumstances, being a source of appeasement and consolation for him.

 

The status of men in the house

God says :

« […] الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ »
« Men are in charge of women […] ».
The Qur'an Sura 4 verse 34

The sacred word "قَوَّامُونَ", "charge" refers to a function, state or status for the man in his relationship with his wife and his home. It is for him a responsibility, a duty and not a benefit that he can enjoy in peace and quiet. And since living together in the home implies the vigilance and participation of each person, women have a role to play in this responsibility because of their particular strengths as women. This role is to demand from her husband or future husband that he live up to the status designated by this word. Therefore "قَوَّامُونَ" is a duty for the man and a requirement for the woman.

This status is a criterion for designating a man fit for married life. An unfit man will lead to today's problems such as domestic violence, jealousy, heartbreak, deception and abuse.

This status means for man to be at the service of his own with all the helpfulness of the world, and this helpfulness has as its initial movement goodness, truth and benevolence, like the Prophet of Islam (peace and prayers upon him) with his family. This implies for man to work on himself, to get rid of his vile passions and his ego. A man is not lazy, haughty or full of himself. He is someone who knows how to sacrifice himself for the well-being of others. For without this sacrifice he will not have the lucidity, the distance, the time, the patience and the perseverance to embody his role as a man. He who is not at the service of others is a slave of himself.

"قَوَّامُونَ", beyond being a word that is translated, is above all a sacred word in the deepest sense that designates a state that must be attained by responsible people. And if he is not capable, the benevolent work of his wife or his relatives can help him to come to his senses.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Les hommes ont autorité sur les femmes ? Sourate 4 verset 34 - Explication 1/2"

 

The status of women in the house

God says :

« […] فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ »
«[…] Thus, virtuous women are obedient and preserve in secret what God wants to preserve. […] ».
The Qur'an Sura 4 verse 34

We distinguish here 3 key words which are "salihat" "quanintat" and "hafidat". Within the framework of man, God defines a function, a status, a category of able-bodied men. For women, God defines not 1 but 3 suitable states.

"Salihatu" translated by "virtuous" represents the woman of excellence, the one who shines on others, whose heart overflows with goodness and this goodness touches everything: her work, her house, her children, her husband, her family.

"qanitatoun" translated by "obedient" describes a straight, truthful, scrupulous woman, attentive to the smallest detail.

 "hafidatoun" translated as "guardian", "the one who keeps the secret", represents the minimum and perfectly valid state of a responsible woman. For the woman, it is a question of preserving in secrecy what is happening in her home. In fact, the home is a fragile cocoon which concerns no one outside the couple and which must be protected from outside eyes. Gossip, indiscretions, cynicism and slander are poisons that cause serious difficulties for couples and lead to appalling situations with dramatic consequences. A household seeking lasting stability cannot reconcile the two.

As for men, if a woman is not up to this minimum demand because of her negligence, the benevolence of her husband or his relatives may allow her to come to her senses.

 

Perceptual disorders in women

Men and women are tested in their daily lives by different situations that force them to make choices. These choices determine at the same time their physiological balance, their psychological health, their integrity, their lucidity and their vigilance.

Unlike men, women undergo different transformations that change their perception independently of their will. For example, pregnancy or menstruation cause hormonal imbalances that affect their bodies. These transformations act on their concentration, patience, memory, and sometimes even the taste of certain foods changes. In other words, a state of equilibrium becomes inaccessible not because of negligence but because feminine nature and Truth call it elsewhere. These phenomena are very well known to women, they are perfectly natural.

The man must learn to apprehend these situations which invite him to be at the service of his wife in order to maintain a certain stability without questioning her integrity or depriving the couple of the wealth which emerges through his wife. Wealth because the woman who undergoes these transformations discovers certain things that are inaccessible to her.

God says :

« وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ  »
« Those whose misconduct you fear, admonish them, relegate them to separate layers and beat them. »
The Qur'an Sura 4 verse 34

Here we have 3 key words that designate 3 degrees of intervention by the accomplished man when his wife suffers these perceptual disorders. To illustrate this, we can imagine a woman in a car wearing glasses. The man has to remove the mist that prevents her from seeing because she already has her attention entirely devoted to the road.

These are tools for accomplished men who have neither vice nor ulterior motive, but who are fully available to act when necessary with benevolence.

 

1st degree - Exhortation فَعِظُوهُنَّ

The wise man intervenes with his wife with gentleness and tenderness. If he notices that she is departing from her usual behaviour, he draws her attention with kind and loving words to bring her back to her senses. This is because a word that comes from reflection and the brain is bland, whereas a word that comes from a heart filled with God's light is sweet and pleasant. But a bland word will never reach its goal. To touch a person's heart a word must come from the heart.

Anyone who intervenes with his wife with violence, aggression and oppression, or because he has a desire for revenge, will only generate tension and anguish. He has to start by correcting his own behaviour before he is able to intervene in anything.

 

2nd degree – Distance وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ

It sometimes happens that good words are not enough and the woman insists on something that puts the couple in difficulty. The wise man is patient and acts pedagogically by persisting differently with his beloved. To do this he shows his disapproval, without creating a story or controversy, putting a little distance between him and her, because sometimes the woman needs to be alone to find clear ideas. It is not a question of the man leaving the home, nor of making a show, but of leaving the parental bedroom to give his wife time to reflect with modesty and good manners.

Thus, the absence of a devoted and honest husband can have a positive impact on a woman in search of herself.

 

3rd degree – Leap of consciousness وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ

It may be that in rare cases neither good advice nor remoteness will bear fruit.

But man does not abandon his beloved. The prolonged absence of a man increases the risk of psychological distress or loss of self-confidence in a woman in difficulty. Since the husband loves his wife, he will never wish to hurt her or harm her because it would be worse than if he had hurt himself.

If the situation deteriorates, before it gets out of hand, it is up to the husband to give her an electric shock or a shake to wake her up. This electroshock can take several forms as long as it does not affect her dignity or physical integrity. It is a burst of consciousness that is sought and this burst cannot occur without electroshock.

See more [FR] :
[VIDEO] Les femmes frappez-les ? Sourate 4 verset 34 - Explication 2/2"
[ARTICLE] L'Islam et les violences conjugales

 

Marriage: mutual support and accompaniment

Man and woman must act together with pedagogy, gentleness and tenderness. Each of them possesses a strength necessary for the other, as we have seen in the previous pages.

This cooperation should not be limited to the central qualities of men and women, but extends to all the components mentioned in the verses we have discussed. With men "الرِّجَالُ", women "النِّسَاءِ", cohabitation and rest "لِتَسْكُوا", affection "مَوَدَّةً" and compassion "رَحْمَةً" we have powerful tools to help the men and women of this world to free themselves from the suffering of everyday life and to regain peace and stability.

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